Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Pretty much! 😂👀
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Knock Knock