My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You Might Also Like
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.