Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
You Might Also Like
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Breaking news:
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes