I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.