Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
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And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.