When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I can’t deal with men any longer
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone