[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
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Worth the read.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!