I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
You Might Also Like
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.