Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Leaving the Barbers like
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.