bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
no cat here
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
man i love columbo
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.