ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head