He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
philosophical skeletons be like
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.