*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.