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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.