I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[on my way back to the posting caves]
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.