11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
All food is good if you spell it wrong