I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.