My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees