“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.