Dead sexy!!
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.