She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I had to Stop for this
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
When your man makes a valid point
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.