When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.