I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?