” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I think I’m having a stroke
Nothing to do, you say?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Adultry does not sound fun at all
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.