Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
War & Peace
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?