“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?