Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I saw this ending much differently.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!