Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Jesus Christ lmao
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
War & Peace
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Hit me in the face with a bird
This hospital has everything
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*