Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
You Might Also Like
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Meat Cute
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.