Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call