You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
You Might Also Like
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.