The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.