My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
A small tragedy.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.