Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well