When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate