This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
me, too, girl. me, too.
What?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.