[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
You Might Also Like
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.