A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
i was baptized in a car wash
I think I’m having a stroke
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him