lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
he looks great for his age
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.