There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves