“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.