It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.