Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Cake safety first. Always.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today