Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Go girl power!
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Breaking news:
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”