Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Self-cleaning conscience
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My dating profile:
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”