DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
You Might Also Like
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
i think both sides are to blame here
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
May have had one breakfast too many
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind