Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
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I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I am a gravy boat captain
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma