God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends