My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”