Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
every single time
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
🙀🙀🙀😹
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.